Grace and Permission to Be Unsure
The world is my oyster and I am afraid to open it
Like the picture above, my new path in life seems foggy.
Usually by the end of March each year I have at least two vacations on the books for the year ahead. Today, I stopped by my functional medicine doctor’s office for a supplement refill and the nurse, who always talks travel with me, asks “So where are you traveling this year?”
“Nowhere yet,” I reply.
“Why not? What’s going on?” she asks.
I explained to her that I can’t decide. I have places I want to go but for some reason I can’t pull the trigger. This is not typical of me. I am the person who decided two weeks before Christmas last year that we were spending Christmas Eve and Day in NYC and planned and booked it all in one sitting.
I rattle off a few reasons I haven’t planned anything yet but finally just looked straight at her and said, “I really don’t know why, to be honest.”
On the drive home I contemplated this dilemma and not for the first time. I have been meaning to take an escape alone but just haven’t booked it. It’s not about money. It’s not about getting the time off work. It’s not about responsibilities I can’t escape.
It’s the exact opposite.
Last August/September a lot changed in my life all at once. I moved into a new house with my boyfriend, my youngest went off to college, my father who I was the caregiver for 2 years passed away. Three months later, my boyfriend of 2 years moved out of the new house, and we broke up. (Hence, the last-minute trip to NYC for the holiday with my kids!)
With the turn of the New Year, I changed. For the first time in a long time in my life, I am free! The world is my oyster, and I am afraid to open it. I have dreamt of these days. I have had big plans that I couldn’t wait to put into action. I have been researching buying an Airstream for two years now. I have been following solo traveling groups and European house sitting groups for a year now.
Yet, I am still.
Once arriving home, I hopped on a video call with a coworker and shared my dilemma with him. He paused and gave it great consideration. Being an empty nester for a few years already, he offered letting the universe expose the next step. I shared that I was starting to feel that way already. I was trying to get comfortable not being busy and always having a plan in place.
It was what he said next that made me write this post today.
”Often we don’t give ourselves grace and permission to be unsure.”
Maybe it’s not that I can’t decide. Maybe it’s my brain not wanting to decide for once. Maybe I need to give myself a break from decision-making. Or, perhaps my brain and body need a break from doing and going. I’ve been a single mom of two kids for 13 years with a career and a dad to care for. Maybe I not only need to give myself grace and permission to be unsure, but also to be still.
Oh, I love this!!! Permission to be unsure!